Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I enjoy the company of your penis
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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