Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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