Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
