How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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