Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
