my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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