im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize