This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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