So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
