if you like me you must not know who I am
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
