Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
someone owes me an orgasm
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
