remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
