this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
