Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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