what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
