dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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