This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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