Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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