the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
