Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
