Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize