Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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