how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
