I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
