life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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