we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
