the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
