i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
