I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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