dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
