Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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