Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
