I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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