my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
