It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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