I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
