I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
