You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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