I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize