I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
