Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Where is the hickey?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
