Little spoons don't ask big questions
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize