True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
