This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
