My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
