I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Randomize
