Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
