i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
we're making bets on your personal life
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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