CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize