i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
