if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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