You made me cry and you don't even care
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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