I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
