that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
