he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
