We won't sleep together?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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