You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
