I'm pants shitting drunk right now
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
