I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
