The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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