i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
