I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
