I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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