We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
