I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
